


Like breathing

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, M/M, Moon Taeil-centric, Post-Break Up, Weddings, but they are all meant to be there, not everyone is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:08:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22192300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “What is it like...being married?”The question pulled a string from Taeil’s heart. A sad smile displaying over his lips, eyes dropping to his left hand where a ring has been missing for some years now. There’s a beat of silence, long enough for Donghyuck to regret asking but not enough for him to say anything else, the older beating him to it once he recovers. “It’s the most exciting adventure you will have, but also the hardest. At first it feels surreal, like did I really married this beautiful tall and muscular man or am I dreaming?”orBeing at his son's wedding brings memories to Taeil from when he was married to Johnny.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Moon Taeil/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 17
Kudos: 129





	Like breathing

In Moon Taeil’s head, both his sons were still nothing more than kids. He remembered like it was yesterday having to run around the house chasing Donghyuck because he refused to take a proper bath and having to explain Mark why he needed to eat actual food and not only watermelon during every breakfast. Even if they grew a little taller than him and now live alone, he could only see his two babies. His two little troublemakers. 

The day Taeil and Johnny adopted both kids were the happiest days of Taeil’s life, he can still remember the hope in Mark’s big eyes, the three year old excited that the two sweet men before him decided to adopt him. Then it was Donghyuck, he swore he had never seen such a tiny kid in his whole life, his face so round Taeil almost teared apart right there out of the cuteness. Unlike Mark, who had adapted to them rather quickly, at first Donghyuck was shy with them, the small child was rather quiet and would hold onto his teddy bear for dear life. They thought the kid had a shy personality and oh were they wrong. After a month Donghyuck became the loud, naughty and sweet child he is until this day.  _ Ah, they have grown so much.  _

“Appa, you promised not to cry, you can’t steal my thunder!” 

“You can’t ask that to your old man, I’m sensible.” Taeil laughed, turning his head to see Donghyuck in his beautiful black suit, a nervous smile on his lips as he repeatedly fixes his tie. His dad smiled fondly as he walked to the sunkissed boy, slapping his hands away. He turned him to the mirror, hugging his shoulders. 

Donghyuck looked mesmerizing, like the Full sun he was born to be. His hair was perfectly parted and Taeil had to admit Yeri did a great job with the make up, the golden skin of the boy glowing like never before, his moles showing up to draw a beautiful constellation and his eyes glowed like the sun and the stars decided to name him his favorite kid. Donghyuck was beautiful, and so clearly in love. 

“Yukhei is very lucky for marrying you.” Taeil smiled at his son through the mirror, planting a kiss on the back of his neck. “You look perfect, Duckie” 

“Well that’s only because you are my Appa.” both let out small giggles, melancholy filling their hearts over an answer he has been giving him ever since he was a kid. The groom’s face falls slowly, deep in thought. Taeil knew him like the back of his hand, he was nervous. “I’m scared…”

“Why?”

“I don’t want things between us to change...I don’t want to screw it up.” Taeil remembers that feeling, being so excited but so fucking scared. But unlike Hyuck, he didn’t have parents to calm him down. 

“Ah, my silly duckie, being married isn’t anything like that.”

“What is it like...being married?” 

The question pulled a string from Taeil’s heart. A sad smile displaying over his lips, eyes dropping to his left hand where a ring has been missing for some years now. There’s a beat of silence, long enough for Donghyuck to regret asking but not enough for him to say anything else, the older beating him to it once he recovers. “It’s the most exciting adventure you will have, but also the hardest. At first it feels surreal, like did I really married this beautiful tall and muscular man or am I dreaming?” 

_ Taeil and Johnny dated for five years before getting married, but that didn’t stop him from feeling like any day he would wake up to an empty bed back on his first year of university to find out it was just one long and beautiful dream. The day of their wedding Taeil made Taeyong reassure him he was not dreaming every moment because he felt like he was floating. But he knew it wasn’t a dream the moment he saw Johnny waiting on the altar, looking as handsome as ever.  _

_ There was no way in hell he had the imagination to create such perfect men. Johnny stole his breath away every time he saw him, his smile made his heart skip a beat every time and no matter how many times Taeil was told his voice sounded like heaven itself he would always believe Johnny’s laugh was what heaven actually sounded like. It felt so surreal, loving him so much, being loved just as much.  _

  
  
  


“...And being married won’t change much, you will both still act like you always have. It’s more like a promise. As long as there is love, you will be there…”

  
  
  


_ As part of getting married, Johnny had decided it was right to move from their old apartment. Ten had helped him decorate the new apartment and also gifted him half of their new furniture. Rich best friend perks, he had said. Taeil felt over the moon the first night, like nothing could pull him down. While Johnny had a shower, Taeil went to their small balcony, smiling as he felt the warm night embrace him, thanking his lucky stars for making him so happy.  _

_ Taeil always felt at home when it was night time, he felt at peace. Johnny knew where to find him, giving himself a moment to admire the beautiful man under the moon. He admired him so much, because everyone saw Taeil as a small quiet boy, but he was the strongest person Johnny knew. Taeil taught him how to be strong, to stay strong. Taeil taught Johnny he is worth it.  _

_ Taeil didn’t felt the presence of his husband until he was trapped under his arms, pulling him closer until there was no space between the two. “I love you, my moon.”  _

_ It wasn’t a realization, he knew he loved Taeil since the first day. It was a reminder, because no matter how many years he has been saying those words to the older, he would never get tired. Loving Taeil came so naturally, just like breathing.  _

  
  
  


“...Not everything will go as planned, but that won’t matter at the end of the day…”

  
  
  


_ To say Taeil was mad was an understatement. Not only did his audition went stupidly wrong because his asshole boss wouldn’t let him leave work earlier, but also Johnny forgot to pick him up from said audition so he had to walk in the pouring rain to their apartment. He didn’t care if it wasn’t Johnny’s fault the audition went wrong, he promised all week to pick him up. All he wanted was to cry on his husbands arms for fucks sake! Instead he was crying under the rain walking  _ alone. 

_ Once he reached the apartment, he slammed the door just to make clear he was mad. But maybe his giant husband wasn’t that good at getting hints. It took everything in him not to smile at the smell of his favorite meal being prepared and Johnny letting a happy “You are home!” walking to him with an apron that was clearly not big enough for his large body. The smile on Johnny’s face fell as soon as he saw his dripping husband on the verge of tears. “Oh no”  _

_ “Yeah ‘Oh no’ John, you forgot today was my audition! That by the way went horrible! I am dripping and I swear to our future kids if you say a word to me right now I will kill you with my bare tiny hands you giant dumbass.” The redhead groaned as he stomped his way to his room, leaving a wet trail to their shared bedroom. Johnny sighed, slapping a hand over his face. He doesn’t know how he forgot he was supposed to pick up Taeil, but he was sure the special dinner wasn’t a great excuse if he wanted to get mercy from his angry husband.  _

_ After he made sure to clean and leave the food in the oven so it didn’t get cold, he walked to their room, finding Taeil in his pajamas trying to dry his hair with a towel. He slowly approached the other, taking the towel from the smaller hands. He faced no resistance and felt like he could breathe, he wasn’t  _ that  _ dead. Johnny rubbed circles with the towel on his husband’s red hair, once satisfied with his work he tossed the towel aside, raising the other’s head to see his face. He felt a tug in his heart at the sight of Taeil’s red puffy eyes and nose from crying.  _

_ “I’m so sorry, my love” He whispered, cupping the older’s face with his large hands. “I wanted to do something special for you and totally forgot I was supposed to pick you up.” He sat beside Taeil, planting a kiss on his temple. They stayed silent for some minutes, Taeil slowly melting into his husbands embrace until he was completely being held down by the taller man.  _

_ He couldn’t stay mad even if he wanted to, he knew Johnny had nothing but good intentions and all he wanted now was the comfort of his favorite person in his favorite place.  _

_ “Would you forgive your dumb husband?” _

_ “Did you cook jajangmyeon?” _

_ “And your favorite wine” _

_ “Fuck, I love you.” _

  
  
  


“...And making your life together will be so worth it...”

  
  
  


_ The excited screams of kids woke Taeil up, his eyes being blinded by the small light that came from the window Johnny clearly forgot to close. He grumpily woke up, stretching his aching muscles and getting dressed with the pajamas on the floor. What was so amusing for his kids to be so loud? As he came down the stairs, he got to see his two kids clinging onto their dad while laughing like crazy.  _

_ Johnny let out a roar, faking being a bear while his kids attacked the beast down. The little Mark being front line trying to tackle his dad pushing him and attacking him with a toy sword Yuta had gifted him for his 6th birthday while Donghyuck clinged from his dads neck, laughing that loud laughter of his while not doing much other than almost choking his dad. Taeil left a chuckle out, leaning into the wall while he watched the love of his life and his reasons to live play with each other.  _

_ “Appa!” Donghyuck screamed as soon as he saw Taeil, dropping from where he was to run up to his dad, making grabby hands. Taeil picked up his younger son, giving his cheeks a loud smooch making the kid giggle.  _

_ “How are my little men doing?”  _

_ “With energy, apparently.” His husband answered instead, walking up to him with a persistent Mark clinging to his legs. He bent down to kiss the smaller man, smiling on his lips as he felt a tug from his shirt. _

_ “My kiss!”  _

_ “Sorry Hyuckah, how could I forget.” Johnny said rolling his eyes, a mischievous look in his eyes as he bent down to kiss the kid, blowing a raspberry on his cheek, earning a yell from his kid complaining. They laughed at the reaction of their kid, while Mark tugged on Donghyuck’s feet so their dad could drop him and they could play.  _

_ As the kids ran to play on the living room, Johnny hugged Taeil, leaning down enough to hide his face in the other’s neck. He seemed to not care about the awkward position, because that was something the taller loved doing. “I made breakfast.” He whispered after a while, lifting his head so he could see his husband.  _

_ “You really know how to keep a man, don’t you?” The redhead jokes, kissing his cheek before walking up to the kitchen, never letting go of his hand.  _

  
  
  


“And you, my sunshine, will be really happy. You love Yukhei so much, and he loves you so much too. You have been behind each other since you are kids, this will be just like when you got married during kindergarten.” Donghyuck laughed at that, holding his dad’s hand with glassy eyes and melancholy all around them. 

There’s a look in his eyes, like he is analyzing him, and like the knowing parent he is, Taeil knew his kid wanted to ask something else. What he didn’t expect was the question that left his son’s mouth. 

“Do you miss dad?” And even if he didn’t expect the question, all Taeil did was smile, cupping the younger’s face. 

“There’s a boy waiting for you at the altar, Duckie.” He whispered, planting a kiss on his forehead, before pushing his kid towards the exit of the little room they had prepared for the groom to get ready. 

  
  
  


_ Taeil had never lived alone in his whole life. The first days weren’t that bad, his sons and Taeyong helped him move into his new apartment. He chose a small apartment, with room enough for him and his calico cat that Mark bought him not long ago. He wanted a small space so he didn’t feel the absent person. He wanted to believe he would be good.  _

_ But then they left. And it didn’t matter if the bed was new and smaller, it felt too big cause because he couldn’t stop thinking that he should feel like a bundle with the larger body that was missing. It felt too cold because the warmth of his body wasn’t enough to keep him from the cold weather. It felt so fucking lonely, because for the past twenty-seven years he never had to cry alone at night.  _

_ He felt  _ him  _ missing. But his husband had been missing for some months now even if they were together. It hurt so bad. The reminders would come in small things. Waking up to nothing but the cacophonies of his cat. Arriving from work and the place being as tidy as he left it. The stupid habit of preparing more food than needed because the other would take it, except he wasn’t there. Leaving all of his stuff at the right side of the drawers and then realizing the whole drawer is his. Reminding himself he doesn’t need to add coffee on the shop list because he doesn’t drink coffee.  _

_ Like most things in life when they change, Taeil learned the new routine. He adapted to the silence, he liked not having to clean all the time, he liked eating unhealthy food without being nagged, he got used to having a whole bed for himself and buying groceries for one. But even as the time went by, he never got used to the nights. It was a small thought at the back of his mind, not totally present but always there. It was the small reminder that no one would hug him suddenly as he meditated on his balcony at night, that nobody was waiting for him, he was waiting for nobody.  _

_ That he would cry alone. His tears would drop on the cold floor where he was sitting. Nobody to pick him up. No one but himself.  _

  
  


The wedding went as beautiful as anything his perfectionist son planned. As Donghyuck walked down the aisle with both his dads, Yukhei waited standing on the altar with the biggest smile on his face, turning too see Mark, his best man, every two minutes like an anxious puppy that couldn’t wait for his treat. And once they gave the sunkissed boy to his soon-to-be husband, Taeil went to sit besides Taeyong and his son, Jisung. 

It was a happy day for this big family they were, seeing two of their kids being as happy as Donghyuck and Yukhei brought tears to their eyes, like they all shared the same warm tight feeling on their hearts. The white and gold decorations made everything look out of a dream, the warm sun going down, painting beautiful colors around them. Even the sun was rejoiced to see the happiness of the two lovers. 

Taeil could still remember the day he met Kun, how they all met. And to think their kids were getting married was crazy at the moment. 

He still remembers when they were chaotic college students who lived in an apartment too little for the six of them. Winwin, Kun, Jaehyun, Doyoung, Taeyong and him all bundled up because they all refused to live on the crappy dorms of their university. He remembers when Ten and Johnny arrived to their lives because for some reason Qian Kun was whipped with the dance major and made it his personal mission wooing him up. He remembers when Winwin presented them his boyfriend Yuta, who by the way no one knew prior to that day that even existed because their chinese friend was secretive like that. 

He remembers all of their weddings, he remembers how much it took Doyoung and Jaehyun to get their head out of their asses and just accept their feelings. Surprisingly enough they were the first to have kids, Jungwoo being the first addition to their chaotic but warm family. Before they even knew, Kun and Ten had five kids and the rest of them also had their own stable families, living close by and helping each other. No matter how much time passed and how many changes occurred, they are still a family. Always. 

It was time for Donghyuck to say his vows, holding Yukhei’s hands so tightly his knuckles went white. Donghyuck looked so small besides the older but somehow Yukhei looked at him like he was the biggest wonder in the world and nothing existed besides the sunny boy before him. “Qian Yukhei, my Xuxi, ever since I was five you promised to protect me from everything bad in the world because my dumb brother scared me with a bee that ended up stinging me.” Everyone laughed, maybe it was because of how silly that was, or maybe because Mark was visibly turning into a red light. “Wasn’t that a big promise for a six year old? Yet almost twenty years later, there hasn’t been a day you didn't live up to it. Now I want to make a promise to you, one that I plan to keep for as long as I breathe. I promise to make everything to see that beautiful smile every day we live, to make you the happiest man even if I think you already made  _ me  _ the happiest. I promise to love you as long as we breathe, my prince.” 

He promised not to cry. But in his defense, Taeyong was crying too. 

  
  


_ “Are you gonna keep avoiding me?” Taeil did not intent for his voice to sound as icy as it did, he hated how his own voice sounded. But it has been a week since his husband avoided having a real conversation with him. He could see it, he wasn't blind.  _

_ He knew Johnny wasn’t alright. He got moodier, his smile was gloomy, his eyes didn’t sparkle anymore. It started as small things, but Taeil shouldn’t have ignored them. Maybe he just wanted to act like everything was alright. What a selfish thing to do.  _

_ He lost his husband little by little, and he wanted to act like he didn’t notice. Maybe he hoped his husband would open up about it. Maybe he just wanted to hold on to his happy and healthy husband. Taeil hated himself either ways. Would the next thing happen if he had reached out sooner? _

_ Johnny looked at him with his tired eyes, guilt on them with the tears that started to flood his vision. Oh how much Taeil loved those eyes and how much it hurts seeing the pain in them.  _ Johnny wasn’t alright.  _ Taeil’s demeanor softened, getting closer to his husband. How could he let his husband suffer so much?  _

_ “I’m so sorry” His voice came so little, so broken. Holding onto Taeil like everything around him was going to tear apart. Maybe it was. When did he let this happen? Taeil was so selfish, he would never forgive himself for that. Because even if he was scared of losing his husband and ignored all the signals, that shouldn’t have mattered, not when that not only meant he was losing Johnny. It meant Johnny had lost himself.  _

_ And there it happened. His husband opened up to him. The cost of waiting was that once he did, that same day, the count of their days together stopped. 27 years, 7 months, 20 days.  _

  
  


Maybe this was one of the happiest days Taeil would live. The party was full of joy and warmth, the laughs of everyone filling the atmosphere like a spell that kept them in that night, forever young. The newly wedded shined like never before in the middle of their loved ones, filling each other’s spaces like two puzzle pieces meant to be together. He loved watching all, he loved the way they laughed as Jeno and Jungwoo told a story as charming as ever, just like their parents. He loved the way he could see Chenle and Jisung sneaking out thinking no one noticed the mischief in their eyes. He loved how his two sons were in the arms of their loved ones, sharing looks of fondness when the other is not watching. 

He should feel old seeing his kid getting married, seeing how his hair has started to grow white hairs and how his friends are starting to grow old. But the night always made Taeil feel as young as ever. He found a balcony at the hotel they were having the party, staring at the moon, a place that felt like home no matter what. 

He felt a figure sliding next to him, so familiar yet missing. He didn’t have to turn to know Johnny had found him, he always did. No matter what happened between them, they would always feel like a safe space. Because Taeil would always have a Johnny size hole in his heart; so he melted into the arms of the taller man, letting him hold him at least just for the moment. 

“He glows with happiness, he is so strong. He’s just like you.” Johnny whispered, like the moment was to fragile that if he talked a little louder, he would break it. Taeil left a sigh escape his mouth. 

“They both look happy, we did a good job.”

“I think I wouldn’t have done such a good job without you”

“Me neither.”

And they fell into silence. He could feel the things that were kept unsaid.

_ I love you.  _

_ I need you.  _

_ Would you ever come back? _

“He panicked a little.” 

Johnny laughed at that. Oh how much he missed that laugh. Not his loud laugh when Yuta did something dumb. The low laugh when he found something endearing, the laugh that Taeil could hear from where he was, with his ear pressed to the other’s chest. 

“Of course he did, I heard Yukhei ended up needing his four brothers and Mark to calm down.”

This time it was his turn to laugh. 

And silence. Things were left unsaid. 

“He asked me if I miss you.”  _ Please come back.  _

Silence. Johnny’s grip got tighter.  _ I’m sorry I hurt you.  _

“Do you?”

A single tear left his eyes.  _ I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.  _

“Like breathing.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So if you made it this far: thanks. Please tell me what you think, any feedback is welcomed!
> 
> I made an open ending because I don't know if I'll write a second part or not, also so it's up to you how things went with Taeil and Johnny.


End file.
